BANISHING SPIRITUAL LONELINESS - by Keri Wyatt Kent

Three practices for leaders (or anyone)

I want more of God. Although I write and speak on spiritual formation, work with other Christians, have friends who encourage my faith, am married to a Christian man with whom I’ve raised Christian children, I still sometimes feel lonely. Not just emotionally lonely, but spiritually lonely—disconnected from God and my faith.

Leaders walk a lonely road. The leader of any enterprise, from a corporation to a small group, must ultimately make decisions that may be unpopular. Even if they consider others’ opinions and feelings, leaders, by definition, must take responsibility and make decisions. That can feel lonely.

A position of spiritual leadership can add another layer of isolation. When you are caring for and mentoring others, guiding them spiritually, questions often nag at the back of your mind: Who’s mentoring me? Where do I take my questions and doubts? If I’m supposed to be a role model/leader/encourager, who does that for me? And there’s nothing like doubt to make you feel alone.
Banishing spiritual loneliness begins with being honest about the fact that you feel lonely to begin with. Acknowledge your feelings, then move forward by engaging in spiritual practices that will help you and those you lead.

Here are three strategies to combat spiritual loneliness as a leader.

SLOW DOWN

Do you ever feel as if you’re moving so fast through life that you don’t really see the people around you? Or you do see them, but you feel annoyed at them far too often? Do you feel that you don’t have time to really connect? Ironically, busyness (even with an overabundance of connections) can be isolating.

Slow down. For a day, or even a morning, try this: Do one thing at a time. Use “time chunking”: allocate a chunk of time to one task, then move on to the next “chunk.” Multi-tasking actually decreases efficiency.

Take time to look into the eyes of people you’re meeting with, noticing their non-verbal communication. Listen without composing your next thought. Pause between tasks. Delegate some tasks, maybe. Or just let some things (which you might possibly be micromanaging unnecessarily) just go undone. (Could that be the reason you’re so busy? Hmm.)

Our hurry can even taint our time with God—prayer becomes another item on a to-do list. We get more out of checking it off the list than we do actually being with God. Take time to slow down with God, even if you don’t have a lot of time. Meditate on God’s promises of love and acceptance. For example, start with 1 John 3. Focus on your identity in him; you are a deeply loved child of God.

SPEND TIME IN SOLITUDE

It may seem counterintuitive, but the antidote for loneliness can sometimes be found in solitude—especially when we define solitude as not simply time alone, but time alone with God. God can fill our spiritual tank. But just as you can’t fill a car while driving it down the road, spiritual filling requires us to slow down and connect with the source.

Be sure to understand the distinction between time alone being with God and time spent alone doing tasks for God. There’s a big difference.

Leaders are people who get things done. We’re task-oriented. While that’s helpful, it can fuel an underlying belief that God’s approval is related to our accomplishments, even contingent upon them. That’s another way of saying we believe God’s love is conditional.

When we simply take time to be alone, and to be with God, without tasks or even an agenda (such as study, memorization, lesson prep), we affirm our faith in God’s unconditional love. Does he really love me when I’m not doing something for him? The only way to find out, and thereby truly experience that deep, unconditional love, is to stop doing for a while. Just be with God and know him (See Psalm 46).


SEEK COMMUNITY

This may seem like the opposite of the previous strategy. But if you look, for example, at the life of Jesus, you’ll see that he engaged in both solitude and community. We need time alone with God, but we also need others to minister to us, to encourage us. God designed us to live in community with others. He can speak to us through others and in the quiet of our hearts.

If you find this challenging, you may need to ask yourself, Am I keeping people at a distance? Am I willing to risk revealing my need for support or encouragement? Am I valuing tasks over people?

Seek out other leaders, or friends who have some emotional distance from your leadership position. (In other words, people who are in another organization or are not your direct reports.) Look for friends who will support you but also be willing to tell you the truth when it’s not pretty.

Be willing to seek spiritual friendship in which you can both be honest, where you can take off the leadership hat and just be yourself. Jesus did ministry in community, and we’d do well to follow his example.

Other people who lead in other environments often can provide the understanding and support you need. But you have to be brave enough to ask.

Loneliness is inevitable at times. Rather than avoid it by getting busy, let that quiet ache in your heart push you toward God. Use these three practices—slowing down, solitude, and community—to experience his presence and to create some space for God in your life.

WHY ENDINGS MATTER - by Nicole Unice

We sat together at my kitchen counter, conversation trickling to awkward silence. Things in her marriage had reached a breaking point, she said. She hoped I could help, she said. I listened and tried to give encouragement, but in my heart I knew it wasn't enough. I wanted to give her something that would last, something she could cling to even in the difficult season of her life. What I needed was a benediction—the right word that went beyond what I could possibly give.

The word benediction comes from a Latin term meaning “to speak well.” Traditionally, a benediction is a short prayer for help, blessing, or guidance. Benedictions aren’t just for the end of sermons. A close study of Scripture reveals the power of the final word can do more than the entire conversation before it.

That day at my kitchen counter, I was ill-equipped to guide my young friend through a difficult time. I ended up falling back on some lame words about “everything being OK,” words neither of us truly believed. For me, that conversation sparked a desire to lead better. How could I provide a better “ending” when someone is looking for guidance or help?
Since then, I’ve discovered the power of benediction in everyday life and ministry. Knowing how to end a conversation, a prayer, or a note of encouragement can help the ones you lead refocus their hearts from their problems to the promises of our great God. Here’s what a closer look at benedictions taught me.

Benedictions Are Memorable

Social psychologists call our aptitude at remembering final words the “recency effect.” The principle of recency states that the things most recently learned are the ones most likely to be remembered. Apply that to the many endings in your day: From finishing an email to saying goodbye to our children at the bus stop, our lives are full of opportunities for “one last thing.” Unfortunately, my “one last thing” usually ends up being tired, recycled words I’ve already used or reminders about buttoning coats. This is not what I want my co-workers, children, and friends to remember! When I consider the recency effect, I feel even more certain that the words I write and speak could use a tune-up.

Benedictions Give Perspective

Consider the way the Apostle Paul ended his letters. Paul ended the book of Romans with these words: “All glory to the only wise God, through Jesus Christ, forever. Amen” (Romans 16:27) In one sentence, Paul reminded us of the truth of a) God’s place as the only true object of worship, b) our purpose in bringing him glory, and c) our identity in Christ. He condensed the entire message of Romans into one final statement. He didn’t close his letter with one more reminder, but a powerful perspective-shaking blessing that reminds us of our positioning with the God of the universe, the only one who has infinite knowledge and is worthy of our worship.

In ministry, I need perspective. I need the constant reminder of what really matters. When the burden of others’ struggles falls heavily on my shoulders, I can repeat this phrase to myself and lift my spiritual eyes to the truth: God is wise, he is glorious, he is eternal, and I have right standing with him through Christ. Everything becomes lighter when compared to the weight of his glory.

Benedictions Remind Us of Spiritual Truths

Consider one of Paul’s standard benedictions, found in Philippians 4:23, Philemon 25, and Galatians 6:18: “May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit.” Paul reminded us that no matter what struggle we face, our deepest blessing comes not from circumstances changing, but in a settled soul. It is Christ’s grace manifest in our lives that is present with our spirits—and that gives us the power to overcome any trial or struggle in this world.

So often I find myself wanting to give humanistic platitudes, “one step at a time,” or “you’ll get through this” or “it’ll get better.” The reality is, words always fail in the face of true struggle, and when we find ourselves at the end of our rope, we realize that only God’s power in our spirits gives us the strength to stand.

Benedictions Are a Stamp of Personal Faith

Dick Halverson, former chaplain of the United States Senate, was known for his personal benediction, words that spoke truth and life over all he ministered to:

“You go nowhere by accident. Wherever you go, God is sending you there. Wherever you are, God has put you there. He has a purpose in your being there…Believe this, and go in His grace, and love, and power. Amen!”

My spiritual mentor and pastor is fond of this benediction as well as his own, lodged deep within my own heart after I’ve heard it dozens of times:

“Remember, you stand before an audience of one. The one God, the with-me God. Now go in his grace.”

My pastor’s words aren’t unique to him, but they are memorable because of the passion and belief with which he speaks them. This simple closing reminds me every time of exactly where I place my hope.

Perhaps the words of the apostle Paul or the psalmist feel rote in your heart. But you, like Dick Halverson and my pastor, can let Scripture inform your own personal benediction. Making these words our own helps us re-center perspective, and it leaves those around us on a powerful and true note.

Benedictions are like the punctuation in our lives. The words inform the sentence before and give a sense of the sentence to come. Choose your words wisely.

Since studying the benedictions of Scripture, I’ve found myself pausing before ending times of counsel and care or times with my children. I’ve pondered what I can say to point others back to the only source of true life. And so I close with these words:

As babies evoke smiles to our faces, so does your heart evoke God’s delight. He has delivered you from the power of death and defeat through his Son, Jesus Christ. So go in the power of his delight and his grace today!

HOW TO HELP YOUR KIDS LEARN TO WAIT

With four children ranging from 6 to 16, one of my most popular sayings is "Honey, you'll just have to wait." But as you know, that's not something any child wants to hear. Instant gratification has become a hallmark of our culture.
Do you give your kids practice waiting? Or do you serve them quickly to avoid a meltdown? We must understand that the more we appease our kids, the more impatient and rude they'll be as adults.
Why Wait
Learning to wait is more important than we may realize. In a landmark Stanford University study, a group of 4-year-olds were each given a marshmallow. The kids were promised another one if they could wait for several minutes without eating the first one. Fourteen years later, as high school seniors, those who had quickly eaten the first marshmallow had lower self-esteem and were more prone to frustration, envy, and conflict. Those who had waited, were more socially competent, coped better with stress and frustration, and got better grades. In fact, those who waited scored an average of 210 points higher on their SATs.
The ability to wait teaches self-control and self-discipline. Kids who learn to wait are better able to think before they act and to understand the potential consequences of their actions. They learn respect and submission to authority. And learning to wait now will enable our children to "wait patiently for the Lord" as Scripture instructs in Psalm 27:14.
As you can see, teaching children to wait is about more than just waiting. Learning to wait also teaches patience, tolerance, delayed gratification, and the fact that other people besides them have needs and rights.
Even toddlers can begin learning to wait. Train your youngsters not to eat until after a blessing has been said, or count to ten slowly before handing them a toy. Such small delays are only a matter of seconds, but they effectively introduce the concept of waiting.
Children this age will not understand verbal explanations. They need experiences. Experience is a much better teacher than mere words.

Practical Tips

As parents, we can purposefully teach our children—of any age—the value of waiting. In a microwave society, waiting is a lost art that needs to be revived. Thankfully, there are many practical ways we can teach our children to wait. Here's how:

• Set solid limits. Have boundaries in place and stick with them. "I'll get that ready for you after I've seen you wait patiently" or "You may have that when you aren't being demanding" sends the clear message that you won't be moved by bossiness and impatience.

• Refocus their attention. Whether waiting in line at the grocery store or waiting at the doctor's office, kids can become impatient. Distraction is a powerful tool at any age. Play a guessing game, such as "I Spy," with a young child. For older kids, ask them to tell you their ideas for a family vacation. Use distraction methods based on your child's age and interests.

• Teach by example. Whether 3 or 13, children learn best by example. Not only toddlers, but teens can also benefit from modeling. Take note of your everyday lifestyle: Do you charge a pair of shoes at the mall or save up until you have enough cash? Do you pass frequently on the highway just to get one car length ahead? Be the example you want to see in your children.

• Avoid the words "hurry up." Toddlers and preschoolers are notorious for dawdling, so instead of always telling them to hurry up, make some time allowances for it. When young children are routinely told to hurry, it instills in them a pattern of pressuring others, themselves, and life in general to hurry up, which results in temper tantrums when things do not happen as quickly as they want. As children this age grow and mature, they can more readily understand why it's important that they not keep others waiting unnecessarily.

• Conduct an experiment. Toddlers through tweens will appreciate the time it takes for a plant to grow. Involve the kids in the process of planting a seed and watching its growth. Throughout the process, explain how everything in life takes time to change from the way things are to how they're going to be. Teach the verse, "For everything there is a season" (Ecclesiastes 3:1).
• Use visuals. Younger children especially often need a visual when it comes to waiting for a particular event to happen. If it's 4:30 and supper is at 5:00, use a timer. If the family getaway is in 18 days, use a calendar and allow children to mark off the days as each one goes by. Sometimes the difficulty with waiting is simply not knowing when it will end.

• Don't tolerate interruptions. Let's face it: from toddlers to teens, kids interrupt. We may even do it ourselves at times. But interrupting not only displays impatience; it's also rude. Unless it's an emergency (as defined by you), make it clear that your children are to wait for their turn to speak.

• Acknowledge and reinforce patient waiting. Don't become so intent on teaching your children to wait that you forget to praise them when they do. If your toddler patiently waits for a sippy cup to be filled while you feed the baby, thank him or her specifically for waiting well. If your teen saved up money for an iPad say, "I'll bet you're glad you waited until you had the money to buy that instead of having to pay interest charges on a credit card."

• Don't be Mr. or Mrs. Fix-It. When we always come to our kids' rescue, we do them a great disservice. Yes, we want our kids to know we'll always be there for them, but that's different from always bailing them out. For example, if your tween loses a cell phone, don't immediately replace it. Instead, have him or her save some money to help cover the cost of a new one. Don't try to fix everything immediately.

• Prepare to wait. Sometimes we know our kids will have to wait, in a hospital waiting room or doctor's office, for example. Come prepared. Allow kids to pack a small backpack of things to keep them occupied. Because they are things of their own choosing, they are more likely to hold their interest.

• Keep a positive attitude. If you complain about waiting in a line of traffic or for an anticipated check to arrive in the mail, your kids will pick up on your impatience. Be determined to remain positive about life's waiting moments by saying something like "This line of traffic gives us more time to tell each other about our day" or "I hope the check arrives today, but if not that's okay; God has perfect timing."
No matter our children's ages, learning to wait is a valuable skill that will go with them throughout their lives.